Editor’s note: The names of the parents and son have been changed to protect their identities and privacy.
Dec. 28, 2022 — Texas physician Lawrence McCarthy is looking forward to seeing his 26-year-old son Sam over the holidays. Sam had been living in another state, hadn’t been home for months, suffered from alcohol use disorder and was a regular smoker of marijuana.
McCarthy, who asked that his real name not be used for this article, said he was looking forward to meeting his son, but he had a line.
“I’d much rather have him on his own recovery program than use. Haven’t seen him in ages, don’t know if he’s still in rehab. But even if he’s doing drugs, I’d still like to see him – as long as he’s not doing drugs at my house and he’s Sober while here.”
McCarthy arrived at this approach after extensive work with a parent recovery group, which not only gave him support but also helped him develop and adhere to boundaries.
“I don’t know how I would have handled this situation without this team,” he said.
Unfortunately, many parents deal with this difficult situation alone. A new online platform, Resume Education and Applied Learning (REAL), designed to meet the needs of these parents.
Eric Collins, REAL’s chief medical officer, said: “We are a comprehensive, evidence-based online educational platform, including courses and resources, and access to the community where other parents of teens with substance use problems are asking the same questions. ,”Medical PhD.
new resources
Collins joined REAL because he knew parents needed “more information, support and community as they help their teenage and young adult children work towards recovery.”
Laurie Dhue, REAL’s chief brand officer, has been abstaining from alcohol and drugs for 16 years and is still recovering. Prior to working in the rehabilitation field, Dhue was an award-winning national news anchor who hosted shows on three major cable news networks.
Dhue was still a national news anchor when it was known that Dhue had a substance abuse problem.
“The world found out I was drinking and doing drugs, and my anonymity was publicly broken,” she said. “At first I thought my life was over; I felt shame and humiliation. But telling my story publicly was what finally got me out of journalism and into the recovery community full-time and got me into REAL.”
Dhue, who is nearly 54, said her substance abuse started in college.
“I was drinking and cocaine until I was 37,” she said. “After college my alcohol and drug use got worse and I was drinking all the time, not just on holidays.”
In those days, “resources were scarce and there was no internet. Parents were not as clear then as they are now. But even now, parents are often left in the dark, feeling isolated and stigmatized. I’m sure if Such a thing exists, and this resource would be very helpful to my parents.”
You are not alone
The REAL platform consists of four parts:
- An 18-module course that provides education on parenting, addictions and addressing issues as they arise
- Resource library that is continuously updated and used in coursework
- Calendar of events – weekly live workshops where parents can chat with experts who provide answers to their questions
- Communities that enable participants to connect with others in similar situations.
Dhue entered Alcoholics Anonymous, a 12-step alcohol recovery community.
“It saved my life. Parents will find comfort on our platform, realize they’re not the only ones going through this, and find connection and community,” she said.
The methods presented on their platform are “consistent and appropriate, and anyone in the 12-step world would appreciate and endorse them,” Collins said. But the platform also uses other methods to appeal to those who don’t necessarily resonate with the 12-step approach, including evidence-based psychotherapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
The comprehensive platform also provides information on medications to reduce the risk of overdose and reverse overdose.
Pre-holiday dialogue
“The holidays are a holiday. For someone with a substance use disorder, the holidays can be an excuse for alcohol and drug abuse,” says Collins. A child returning home from college may continue to drink or use drugs, and a child returning from rehab may run into a former “drinking buddy.”
“Communicate your values and engage in problem-solving before the holidays start, because an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” he advises parents. Initiating these conversations can be challenging, but “kids want them, even when they act like they don’t want them.”
The REAL curriculum encourages parents to “rehearse conversations with your partner before planning them with your kids. The more you practice, the better you’ll get at doing things.” It’s a “complicated process,” he warns, and kids “may will be angry”. But practicing the conversation will also allow you to deal with their anger.
set boundaries
Effective conversations, McCarthy says, best come from parents who have clear boundaries.
“Do I want to see my son? If so, do I have healthy boundaries to protect me? Am I developing a recovery plan to heal myself and address any difficulties that may arise before and during his visit? I Is there a power beyond myself to reach out, and am I part of a group of other parents in a similar situation who are seeking psychological, emotional and spiritual healing through a 12-step program like Al-Anon?”
If the answer to these questions is “yes”, it doesn’t mean it will be easy, but it will be a lot easier.
“I can tell my son, I really want him to come over, but he needs to be sober, respectful and honest while he’s here,” McCarthy said.
Improve Your Child’s Chances of Sobriety
One question raised by families in McCarthy’s rehab group is whether alcohol should be served on vacation, or should be in the house, if a recovering child is visiting.
“Every family is different,” he said. “But the most nurturing and supportive thing I’ve found is to not drink at home when someone with a substance use problem comes over.”
This can be difficult to do, especially if other guests want to bring you alcohol, and it also involves setting boundaries.
“Tell your guests you have an alcohol-free home and they need to respect that.”
He advises avoiding topics that may “provoke conversational topics during family gatherings, such as politics or religion, or topics specific to the family that may bring up unpleasant memories or old conflicts when the recovering teen or young adult is around. “
If family members want to participate in these discussions, McCarthy recommends moving into another room or area of the house.
If you are part of a recovery team or REAL, please feel free to contact us. At this time, parents need to be there for each other, offering emotional support and practical advice.
Clear boundaries, open conversations, and a helpful support system can give you the best vacation possible, fostering family relationships and laying the groundwork for ongoing recovery in the future.
Parent Resources
A subscription-based educational platform for parents and families of young people dealing with substance use disorders starting at $49.95/month.
A free 12-step program that offers in-person and online meetings for family members affected by a loved one’s alcohol problem.
A free 12-step program that offers in-person and online meetings for family members affected by a loved one’s alcohol problem.
Smart Recovery for Family and Friends
Provides free online and in-person resources and meetings to help family and friends of someone with an alcohol and substance use disorder cope with their loved one’s situation.
